I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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