This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
