The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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