I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
