god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
