Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
