Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
