I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I intend to get homeless drunk
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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