I didn't shave. On purpose
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
