I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
