All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
