the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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