Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
