Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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