i was born a porn star she said
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
