things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
