im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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