The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
