i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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