Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How's work?
Spinning.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
