went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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