i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you will always have a special place in my vag
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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