you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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