I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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