Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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