WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
