Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
