They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Is Oprah even human
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
