The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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