Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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