I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
