I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
