i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
