Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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