I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
