I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
