Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
