who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
