i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
