Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
