***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
