is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
