Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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