you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
