mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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