i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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