this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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