Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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