I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
