mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
