as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
